now i own this shit & walk around flexin and glarin at strangers like
CALL ME APU AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER I DARE YOU. PLEASE. NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER. I CAN ALREADY TASTE THE BLOG IM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THIS AND IT IS DELICIOUS
i dont think anyone gets over it. maybe they get distracted from it by all manner of obligations, like kids or work or friends or success or girls or snapchat. or they keep themselves busy, or they medicate, or they start doing yoga and watching what they eat
or else there are the dudes who dont acknowledge /the abyss/ so much as they drown themselves in it and wear it proudly in lieu of a personality.
people like that are chumps. i think that im getting to the point again where i realise ive left myself stranded at this intersection between reconciling myself with sadness or trying to move myself past it.
sometimes i like to consider myself a pretty clued in guy. most of the time though i feel like mental health is a first world luxury. like, already what ive written reads to me like eat pray love fan fiction. i cant help but admonish myself for participating in silly self-dissection. i cant make a convincing case that any of this is beyond belittlement. its trite and its self-serving and its been done before a million times over by a million other restless idiots who nonetheless can articulate this bullshit in more compelling manner.
but i have spent the afternoon inhaling xanax and drinking bottles of wine and watching the show revenge so i am in a position where i feel comfortable (high) enough that i can be frank about it. i have to move fast though because it will probably just run away from me again.
theres probably better advice to give myself but im going to try anyway; just dont let yourself get overwhelmed. dont let yrself get exhausted. dont be afraid to drop everything and retreat into yrself when you need to, and dont frame it as a selfish act. even though it kind of is. dont waste time trying to fit in with people who’ve already made room for you. and dont try to force happiness. its always a drag.
am i way off base? i kind of hope so. ill try to remember to delete this when its no longer relevant. i really really cant wait for that to happen.